I don’t know about you, but I am cursed with the ability to dream. Every night. And it fucking sucks. Not one night goes by where I get an actual good night’s rest, or where I’m not tossing and turning all night, or waking up in the morning drenched in sweat. My mind knows no peace. Surely not when I’m awake, and not when I’m asleep. It’s active, 24/7, and it’s fucking exhausting.

My dreams aren’t the nice ones where I go on cool adventures or meet some famous celebrity or anything like that, either. Nope. I have nightmares. Recurring. Fucking. Nightmares. Same theme, different dream.

And my nightmares are the stupid kind that fuck with my subconscious. They’re all emotional dreams, not so much physical…well, sometimes they definitely are physical. I’ve had recurring nightmares of being chased by terrorists or ones related to the ocean (I am TERRIFIED of the ocean) and tsunamis and the like, but for this post I’m going to focus on those dreams that come most often. Ones that take a knife, and drag it down along my heart slowly, letting the blood ooze out until I’ve bled to death. Those kind of dreams.

Okay, so here we go. My first real attempt at a dream journal entry.

To the best of my ability, I will try to remember what happened in my dream last night.

I’m back in highschool as a senior, its spirit day or some shit. Who knows, but its every grade against the other and each is to put on a dance. (Pretty sure this plot is based on an episode of Awkward I watched last night, LOL.) Anyway, I’d just gotten into a huge fight with my boyfriend (can’t remember about what) but I distinctively remember instigating it, telling him that if he didn’t want to be with me then he should just break up with me. Get it over with already, stop dragging me along for the fun of it when clearly things weren’t going well (and for whatever reason we couldn’t work it out). So he does, finally. He dumps my ass, and goes off with his friends, the rest of the seniors class, basically. He’s happy and gleeful, relieved to have gotten rid of my crazy, controlling, needy, sad self. Now me, I’m losing my mind at this point. I’m desperate and pathetic when it comes to abandonment, even though I instigated the break up. I’m making a complete fool of myself in front of everyone, crying about how much I love him and would do anything for him. Everyone laughs, on the inside, on the outside, to each other. I’m the class joke, and IDGAF. All I care about is getting my boyfriend back.

NOTE: I’m starting to realize that my BPD is extremelyyyyyyyyyy active in all of my dreams. Like, it is the star of the fucking show.

The bell rings and it’s time for P.E. followed by the assembly. In P.E. we practice the dance, but I lose my class the second I turn to look the other way. No clue where everyone had gone, I joined in with the next group closest to me, just watching. No way I would participate in anything at this point. I’m crushed. Pissed. Vengeful.

For some reason I’m carrying around a box of leftover food (Wtf? OH YEAH! It had just been lunch before that, or something). I put it down for a sec, and while I’m not watching, someone writes something horrible over it (I find this out later on in the dream, when the principle…who is played by my boss at work LOL…comes up to me and tells me…but we will get to that). I grab my leftovers and purse and head over the bleachers because the bell has rung once more and its time for the dances. I sit with the sophomores as the senior class goes up to perform. I see my ex (my boyfriend IRL), all his friends, and all the bitchy girls who hate me (girls never liked me much, the feeling was mutual). They all laugh. After their dance, as people cheer, the sophomores and I flip off the senior class, and I go cut in line with them when I see a friendly face…ironically enough it’s Ismael. But he doesn’t really talk to me. Weird. The vibes I’m getting from everyone is shady as fuck.

This is when the principles comes up and tells me about the mean note on my box of leftovers. Steam is coming out of my ears I’m so pissed. I find out who’d been talking all that shit, a group of girls I had beef with in middle school (weird fucking dream, man) and I go up to them and start some funk.

At this point in the dream I am aggressive as hell. The next Ronda Rousey is in the building, bitches, and she’s throwing punches left and right. Yelling absurdities and making a complete fool of myself, yet again.

And then I wake up to my boyfriend’s alarm, all shook up, ready to cry.

I woke up from that dream being the bully, but all I could feel was the shame, pain, and betrayal from my boyfriend and everyone else that hated me. I look to my right, where he is lying, and I hold back the tears. I swore he was there with me in the dream. He saw it all, he did it all. I felt a brick wall between us, and as I sit there and yawn, I try to mentally break it down and remind myself that it’s just a dream. Just another fucking dream of being cheated on/dumped. Just another dream of being the only outsider, being the only person getting harassed by her entire grade. When would the humiliation and hatred end?

I don’t know why I have these dreams so often. Bullying was an issue when I was younger (on the giving and receiving end) but it’d been years and I’d never thought it fucked with me that much. So that part I really don’t get? Looking up the interpretation:

–> To dream that you are a bully indicates your tendency to dominate a conversation, relationship or situation. You have difficulties in recognizing your weaknesses and asking for help when you need it.

–> To see a bully or be bullied in your dream signifies repressed rage. The bully may be seen as your shadow Self which you have rejected

Interesting. The first interpretation is definitely true. I do have a tendency to dominate, but I surely do know my weaknesses…a little too well. The second interpretation confuses me a little, as my rage is anything but repressed. This “shadow Self” which I’ve rejected, however, does it represent the real me that I so often reject and try to change? Or does it represent a part of me that’s begging to come out, maybe a sober part of me that I keep rejecting in order to continue getting my high, as I continue to live in sweet oblivion? I think my active addiction has a major (negative) impact on my self-esteem.

Now as for my relationship(s), I’d been cheated on by nearly every man I’d ever loved, and fucked, so yeah I have trust issues. Pretty severe ones, actually. Shit I’ll be in therapy for for years probably.

Looking up that interpretation:

–> To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, highlights your insecurities and your fears of being abandoned. You feel that you are being taken for granted. You are lacking attention in the relationship or that he or she is being less affectionate. Alternatively, you feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others.

–> To dream that your boyfriend or girlfriend is breaking up with you indicates that your relationship is moving to the next level. In a way, it is an end to something; you are leaving some past behind. At the same time, it is the start of something new or better. It is important to remember that such a dream is not an omen that the relationship is not working out. As a relationship evolves and grows, it also changes.

Spot on. Okay so he didn’t cheat in this dream, but he usually does in others so it’s an important interpretation. One I can’t argue with even a little. Its me, my overwhelming insecurities, and fear of abandonment that keeps bringing these dreams back. These issues haunt me in my daily life, awake or asleep, I can’t escape the fear, the intense need for love. I am never good enough. I will never be good enough. Not for him, not for me, not for anyone.

This second interpretation calms me a little, though I call bullshit. I’ve had these dreams for months now, even maybe a year, yet I don’t see a ring on my finger?? Ha!

I really don’t know how I feel about dream interpretations. Some say they can tell your future, others say they represent your past. Some say they represents your deepest desires; others your greatest fears. I think they do all of these things. But more than anything, they just plain fuck with me. Fuck with my head. Fuck with my heart. Fuck with my life. What lingers from my dreams sometimes defines my reality, because I wake up not knowing what the fuck is going on. I wake up with a heavy heart. I wake up with 100 extra pounds on my chest not knowing what to do to relieve the weight. I wake up not knowing dream from reality, or if my dreams will one day become my reality. Dear God, I hope not. Funny, isn’t it? How everyone wishes their dreams would become their reality? Not me. Not when “dreams” translate more into nightmares than anything else.

If I had one wish, I would wish to never dream again. Consider yourself lucky if you’re able to manage even just one night of peaceful rest.