It doesn’t have to be this way. I can change, I can grow. I want to change, I want to grow. But I don’t know how. I don’t have ANY guidance other than the books I have collected over the weeks and am slowly reading through. But books alone cannot guide me through such a critical journey. I need people. I need a sponsor. I need someone who cares, someone who can push me when I need the push, and hold me when I need a hug. I need someone understanding, who understands the battle I’m fighting in my head between wanting to get better, and wanting to remain the same – stuck in the same old bad habits that have been lingering around for damn near 10 years now. I need someone who understands the complexity of addiction, as well as the struggles of borderline personality disorder. The two go hand-in-hand, and whenever my symptoms are acting up I can’t help but get high. I’m either too high or too low; too overstimulated or bored out of my mind. And if I’m neutral, which I rarely am, it’s uncomfortable as fuck and I don’t know what to do with myself because I’m so used to the extremes, so again, I go for the pipe. For the vape. For the bong. I go to the club and get an eighth, on my way home I stop at the liquor store and buy a 12 pack, or maybe a bottle of wine. Never hard liquor – not for me.
The person I am when drugs and alcohol are present in my life (so, basically, the person that I am) is someone who has no control. Someone who doesn’t care about anything, or anyone, only about feeling good. I am over-indulgent. One is too many and a thousand never enough. It’s a vicious routine, really, one made up entirely of bad habits. Wake up, refrain from smoking, cave in, smoke, eat, smoke, eat, smoke, eat, smoke, eat….all goddamn day long. Not getting anything done from my to-do list. Not showering, not brushing my teeth, Not even taking out the dog until after noon. It’s disguisting. It’s pathetic. It’s shameful. Yet, I can’t stop. I can’t help myself to the smell – oh, the sweet sweet aroma of fresh greens, or burned greens. I love it all. Just a whiff makes my entire body weak. And when I look at it, all I see are those luscious hairs, those shiny crystals, the beautiful light green or dark purple color. And I give in. I am completely powerless, completely charmed by your wicked spell.
I am a slave for you, Mary Jane.