It’s mid-afternoon, and I’ve been drinking since noon, and smoking since I’d woken up. My stomach is so full of junk that it’s actually painful to breathe right now; I’ve been eating literally all. day. long. And all I want to do right now is rush to the bathroom, stick my finger down my throat, and purge it all up. Purge up the food, purge up the booze, purge up the shame, purge up the…regret.
Even as I tell myself that my problem is not really a problem, and I should just accept myself and my lifestyle as is and just work on my character, I’m finding that this is the norm for me. It’s a regular occurrence that I drink until I can’t walk, eat until I feel sick, and smoke until I pass out. And no matter how much I’ve convinced myself that I can break the cycle, the truth of the matter is that I can’t. Not unless I cut the cycle at its roots…and here we are back to the whole sobriety thing. *Sigh*
I hate it. I hate myself, the fact that I can’t just drink or smoke like a normal person; in moderation, in social settings, in a way that still preserves my integrity. Not me. I’m just a sad sloppy mess.
When will I accept the truth? The change that must be made but that I keep avoiding, keep putting off, keep making excuses for.
It’s just not something I can do on my own…and it shouldn’t be something anyone should do on their own.
Time for another meeting, I guess.